All of my adult life I have struggled with my own self worth. It is easy for me to look at others and instantly see their worth, and subsequently, buy services from them.
Over the past four years of owning my own business, this low self worth has become a major stumbling block for me. I offer my coaching services, my sister circles, everything at seriously discounted prices, and then when people sign up, not only do I over-deliver, but give them gifts as well. Case in point, attendee’s would pay $15 to sit in circle for 2.5 hours, where I had prepared a detailed outline to support them with an aspect of healing their body image and relationship with food, but would also give them a $5 journal, a pen, and a gift from the healing centre I was working from, which was normally a $7-10 crystal, or other similar gift. Yep, for those good at maths, I was in the negative for every attendee before they even attended. (I may have forgot to mention the $20 I would also spend on flowers for the centre of the circle, which I would let attendee’s take at the end of the night)….
For these past four years as a business owner, I have paid upwards of $100k on purchasing programs and coaching services from my peers, all believing they had the answer to my business success, to my life success, and not one of them ever increased my self-worth, in fact, the most expensive one off program, plummeted my self-worth lower if that were possible!
But four months ago, I signed up for a program a friend was running, and joined nine other amazing entrepreneurs and have participated in weekly sessions that included energy healing’s, around blocks we face as entrepreneurs; of which, money and worth was one. And as it appears, a big one for many of us. After that call on money and worth, I sat and meditated on some of the questions we had been given and a vivid memory from high school rose up quickly.
My parents decided that I (and my brother and sister, although my brother smartly opted out early) attend a private school, all girls! Now my parents were far from rich, in fact the opposite, but they decided they wanted to give us the best opportunity in life. All good in theory.
Problem was, I was given my sisters hand me down school uniforms, and she was much larger in size to me, so they didn’t fit, which made it quite clear to others that I didn’t come from one of the wealthy families they did.
From day one, I felt inferior, could see them pointing and laughing at me, and making derogatory comments about me and my family and the fact we were poor. It went on for the whole six years.
I was grateful to find a group of girls that I bonded with early on that didn’t make fun, but those “popular” girls, made my life hell.
Add on to already feeling inferior to them, and believing they were so much more intelligent than me because of their financial status, I attended a school dance in year 8 with a local boys school. I remember being so excited to attend, and was blown away when this cute guy came up and asked if “he could get with me” (oh dear, love the language!!). Of course the answer was yes, and we hung out for a bit that night and he gave me his number.
Fast forward to school on Monday morning, first recess and one of those “popular” girls came running up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and said “you know how you got with X, well he only did it because he was dared to kiss the ugliest girl in school by his mates”.
Yep. I already had zero self worth, hated my body, didn’t even really like myself and zero self confidence, but now, one of the popular girls was telling me that this boy had been dared to kiss the ugly girl. (and yes, I remember both names, and still have a very clear visual of this happening)
Self-worth blown forever, body image and eating disorder issues blew up, and self confidence now below zero.
Having this memory come up shocked me, but also gave me clarity. I had been searching mentally for when the low self-worth had started, thought it was childhood, I knew it wasn’t from my corporate career, but my whole time at that private girls school, was filled with bullying and nasty comments about my weight, my family and the fact we were poor.
Since owning that memory and experience my whole attitude has shifted.
I no longer just write or say affirmations of “I am worthy”, without ever feeling it to be true, but I now feel it in every fibre of my being.
I truly am worthy, just because I am. No other reason. And nobody else will ever be able to make me feel I am not.
Self-worth is a core part of self-love, and as I become whole again, I learn to fully love and embrace every single part of what makes me, me, and reclaiming my power around self-worth is a game changer for me!
Self-worth is a core module in my program, The Self Love Soul Warrior Program. Low self-worth impacts our relationship with our body, and with food. If you are experiencing low self-worth, join me for the next round of The Self Love Soul Warrior starting in February 2019!