It has been quite a long time since I have felt the desire to write a blog post, and that is because there has been a lot of hurt that had me feel all kinds of icky and uninspired.
I want to be completely honest about that because it is called, life.
Sometimes things happen to good people that aren’t good, and are hurtful, and painful and impact us in a way that we never truly have experienced before and places us in unchartered territory, so we hide ourselves and heal.
That is what happened to me in October when I was hospitalised for five days. The events leading up to that hospital stay, and what happened in the weeks after, were completely unchartered territory for me. They were extremely hurtful, painful, and filled with immense levels of shame and embarrassment.
I just didn’t have the capability to process and release the intensity of the emotion that I was feeling. All I knew to do, was to hide myself away from the world and hope that it would soon pass.
The incident in October, capped off a challenging two year period.
In 2015, I was surrounded my death at every turn; my dad, one of my gorgeous puppy’s; a work colleague; and a friend, all in an eight-month period. In 2016, I was plagued by ill health; I had two lumps removed from my left breast (six months apart); adrenal fatigue; two bad bouts of gastro and migraines that had me bed ridden for a week at a time; a flu / bronchitis that I couldn’t shake for over a month; and then the final blow, a suspected UTI, that turned out to be pelvic inflammatory disease that had me hospitalised for five days, and home healing on strong antibiotics and pain relief for a further three weeks.
Post that hospitalisation in October, I was filled with shame, hurt, confusion, pain mentally, emotionally and physically.
I had allowed myself to be vulnerable and entered in to a short lived intimate relationship with somebody that I thought I could trust. Instead, I ended up in hospital being tested for every type of STD imaginable, and of course, pregnancy. I felt like my soul had died and I was just a shell.
Whilst it took the full three weeks post hospital for my physical body to heal the infection, the trauma of the event remained. The scaring mentally and emotionally was deep. I found myself in some pretty dark places as the months progressed, and I found myself feel hopeless, aka, without any hope of ever healing.
In November, I was invited to apply for a women’s Mastermind program, and whilst at that stage I had zero confidence in my ability to make any decisions, I trusted the facilitator who seemed to know me and what I needed more than I did. She saw something in me that I wasn’t able to see, and so I signed up.
This Mastermind program recently led me on my first overseas adventure to Santa Fe in New Mexico for our first full in person retreat. Whilst I was nervous about the travel, I had no expectation of the retreat experience.
The retreat experience, the women I shared the experience with, Santa Fe itself, all opened my heart in a way I never dreamed possible. These beautiful women who I shared this experience with, reflected back to me a level of safety, support, unconditional love, kindness, generosity, vulnerability, authenticity, compassion, empathy and connection that I could never have imagined was possible.
Every person and experience, moment by moment, turned the darkness I felt and saw within myself to light. A level of belief in myself was turned on full wattage by the closeness of a circle of women who only two months prior, I didn’t even know, but who were able to hold me whilst I crumbled and allowed the shackles of my own limited beliefs and thinking of myself, and my worth to be broken.
During my time in Santa Fe, I felt the safety to truly, fully, let go of the shame of what had happened in October. I was able to let go of the story that was playing in my head of worthiness and lack and smallness.
What the experience allowed me to remember, is that we are all one. We are all connected. We are all loved. We are love.
Whilst I had “story” going on about who I was as a person, and the circumstances I found myself in, what I also realised whilst spending time with these amazing women, is that they also had “stories” surrounding their beliefs of themselves, their own experiences, the challenges that had also experienced, whether business or personal or both. On the outside, we all came from different parts of the world, different age groups, different careers, and yet, there was an instant bond and love for each other that from the outside looking in, was unexplainable.
We all arrived in Santa Fe in our natural state, love. There were no walls up, our stories non-existent, and allowed ourselves to share all of us, openly, and be seen. It was refreshing to just be, who we really are, without those stories.
But each of us, had our own journey’s to experience in our time together. We were able to heal parts of us that felt broken, in a safe environment, filled with unconditional love.
In Buddhism, there is a Law known as the Law of Impermance. It means, do not crave the good times, nor curse the bad times, because neither are permanent. They will all change.
No matter what “story” is happening for you right now, in this moment, know that it is not permanent, it will change. Not great news if your current story is immense happiness, but we can’t go through life in a permanent state of sunshine and rainbows, nor can we can through complete darkness. Growth comes through the dark times.
The good times are not permanent, nor are the bad, but one thing will always be, and that is LOVE….
All of us, are connected. We are all born with the purest of hearts, filled with love. Love is our essence.
Whilst bad things happen to good people, please don’t allow whatever it is to over-shadow all of the love and goodness of who you truly are.
Surround yourself with people that can support you, and remind you of your beauty, your kind and generous soul; people that will reflect back to you unconditional love, that will stand by you through the good times, and the bad.
WE are all ONE.
YOU are LOVE.