All there is is this moment….Within this moment, all there is is love…
I am really nervous about sharing this post. I think it’s because I am feeling really vulnerable and very raw about the experience so far. But, here goes….
So the “story” of my life has gotten a little more confusing / complicated in the past week…
After the year that was 2015, with so many life changes, so many endings, I felt like 2016 was going to be my year! I started the year feeling free, peaceful, happy and content.
I have been focused on building my dream business in helping as many people heal their relationship with food and their body. To fall in love with themselves and heal the hurt of years of stress and anxiety around food, and to learn to love their bodies instead of hating into change.
But as I wrote this post, I found myself sitting at my integrative doctor’s office, waiting for an appointment time to go and get a mammogram and ultrasound. You see, last Tuesday night, I found a lump in my left breast.
As a teenage girl, you are taught how to check your breasts for lumps and every time I have done it, I had no idea if I was doing it right or what I was feeling for. Every 1-2 years at my annual health check-up, my doctor checked and it has always been fine.
So on Tuesday night, when as I turned over in bed and felt a pain similar to a bruise, and felt the area, I was very clearly able to feel a lump, and I knew it was not normal. I also knew I had to get it checked ASAP. I did not sleep after that, or the next night before seeing the doctor.
Automatically, I went straight into the story of “what if it is cancer, what will I do, how will I cope, is this the end of my business, why is this happening to me, I haven’t achieved anything in my life, I am single, no children, will this stop me having children if I survive”….Yep, full on dramatic story.
These thoughts were instant, and extremely frightening and overwhelming. My body went into shock and the stress hormones were at a peak. I was barely able to function and couldn’t eat or drink.
These fears were not eased when I saw the doctor and she felt my right breast and showed me how it should feel, before feeling the left and agreeing that there was definitely a medium sized lump and needed to be assessed ASAP. She gave me no indication as to what she thought it may be, just said we need to get it assessed today.
I then sat in the reception for an hour, waiting for a confirmed time at the breast clinic to get the tests done. These thoughts of my “story”, of what was going to happen to me got worse. My breathing was very shallow and was feeling extremely scared, and very alone.
The appointment was made at a specialist breast imaging clinic, and was told I would need to meet with the breast surgeon first. We went through my whole health history, he did the exam, but gave no indication of what he thought it may be.
Everybody working at the clinic was lovely. From every nurse I encountered, to the amazing lady who did the mammogram (of, and FYI, they seriously hurt!!), through to the doctor that did the ultrasound. They made the experience as comfortable and normal as they could.
But at the end of the day, this is a specialist breast imaging clinic, and the reality of what was happening sunk in quickly and whilst waiting with the nurse for the surgeon afterwards, and seeing a lady with her husband and children crying, I burst into tears. What was going on?? How was this happening to me?? Why?? Why was my story not destined to end happily? Why had there been so much heart ache in my life? Why was I not allowed to have the happy ending with the knight on the white horse that comes to rescue me and we live happily after??
Again, very, very dramatic. But it was so very easy to drop into the story……
In our lives, it is always so easy to go into the story. Somebody, in our view, is “mean” to us, they automatically hate us, not that they are having a bad day or may be not feeling well. We miss out on the promotion at work, clearly we are not good enough. The man of our dreams don’t notice us, clearly we are unattractive and need to go on a diet and lose weight.
None of the story we create about the little things, and big things, every truly eventuates and we cause ourselves so much unnecessary stress.
All there is, is love. Everything else is our judgement of what is.
Whilst I was sitting there waiting for the surgeon to give me the results, this reality hit me.
If was to be a scary result, that’s ok. I would be ok. And I would deal with whatever it was. Going into the story of what it could be was not going to change the outcome and I couldn’t plan for what I didn’t know. I shifted away from the story to the present moment and felt overwhelming peace.
At that moment, the surgeon came in to the room and told me the lump was a sebaceous cyst that would need to be removed, sooner rather than later. He confirmed that there were no signs of cancer.
So whilst I will be going in for day surgery in the coming weeks, I am living in the moment, and not going into a story about what it means.
Don’t get me wrong, I am going through a range of emotions. I am scared, feeling vulnerable, I am naturally concerned about the surgery itself and undergoing the knife, but I am also feeling extremely grateful that it is only a cyst and that it can be removed.
It is important that live in the present moment, and not get caught up in our life about the future, or for that matter, the past. We cannot for certain predict the future, and we absolutely can’t change the past.
Live in the moment only, for that is all that there is. That includes feeling every single emotion in that moment, the scary ones, and also the joyous happy ones!
Oh, and never take your health for granted!